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One night as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns around and says, " I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc and then he asks,"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies,: I'm whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no,no. That will never work. That is much to crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says,"Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a moment, then the woman states,"I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks ," What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or prostitute?" The woman cooly replies," Well, I raised 5000 cocks last year."
A man takes his wife to a stock show. They started heading down the alley that had bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated :
This bull mated 50 times last year.
The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times last year, you could learn from him." They proceeded to the next bull and his sign stated :
This bull mated 65 times last year.
The wife turns to her husband and says," You could learn something from this bull, it mated 65 times last year, thats over 5 times a month." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign stated:
This bull mated 365 times last year.
The wife's mouth dropped open and she exclaims," WOW! That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says ,"Go up and ask if the bull mated 365 times with the same cow"
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why his friend ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend," My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran ."
*chuckles* Good advise?
Two Scottish nuns have arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other,"I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd", her companion replies,"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor an d they both walk towards him.
"two dogs please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both dogs in a foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over and cautiously whispers," What part did you get?"
Always remember this wen u eat ur 'dog'....
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
hope you are having a good day!
Happy Xmas sam
Happy 4th july sam
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