paddybrady85 post away on my page
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boxing and mma
Dropping by to say hi! :]
Dear Mrs. Jones,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.
Our complaints against your husband Mr. Jones, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.
5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.
6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.
7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"
10. November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
11. December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
12. December 7: Parked his car in the trolley shelter:
Mr. Neil Clark, Store Manager
Hi, how are you doing? It's been a long time.
+5 kudos for u my friend
+5k now at 500!!!
Brothers from another mother.
Hi, been a long time. How are you?
+5 Karma my man. Watch the fights last night?
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!
Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."
Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."
Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."
An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.
Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."
A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."
Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.
"I hear McDougal left over a hundred thousand pounds when he died," remarked McNab. "McDougal didn't leave that money," said McTavish, "he was taken from it."
"Why, McTavish," said the psychiatrist, "you seem to have lost your stutter." "Yes," said McTavish, "I've been telephoning America a lot recently."
McNab has decided to have one of those cut-price, self-service funerals where they loosen the earth and you sink in by yourself.
McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once."
Teacher to a Scottish schoolboy, "If you had a pound in your right-hand trouser pocket, and three pounds in your left-hand trouser pocket, what would you have?" "Somebody else's trousers miss."
McDougal was on his way by train from Aberdeen to Glasgow to undergo a serious heart operation. He bought a single ticket.
"Grandpa, have you got any teeth?" the Scots boy enquired of his grandfather. "No," the grandfather replied. "Well in that case, hold my bag of sweets while I go out and play."
McDougal donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
A meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus fares had been reduced. Citizens were outraged because previously they had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only saving fifteen pence.
A Scottish soccer fan told his friend, "My dog watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and down and claps its paws. When we lose it somersaults." "How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The soccer fan replied, "It depends how often I kick it."
A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!
McTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He won one thousand pounds. "How do you feel about your big win?" McNab asked him. "Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a thing."
Recent historical research has revealed why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1317 Sandy McNab won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.
The Scots have found an infallible cure for sea sickness: Lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in your mouth.
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
There was a Scottish baker who tried to economise by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts. He discovered, though, that the bigger the hole, the more dough it took to go round it.
And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29 so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.
A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
The Scottish minister was preaching on the parable of the Good Samaritan. He felt he had better explain to his congregation why the priest had passed the victim by. "And why do you think the priest passed him by?" he asked the congregation rhetorically. "Because he saw that the man had already been robbed," came a voice from the back row.
In Scotland they had to take pay-as-you-leave buses off the streets -they found two men had starved to death in one of them.
Two robbers broke into a boarding house in Glasgow in search of money. A fierce struggle ensued. "We didn't do too badly," said one of them afterwards. "We came out with twenty pounds." "But we had fifty when we went in," complained the other
+K thanks for the add....
Hey buddy. Did you watch the UFC last Night? What a card from start to finish and I mean from UFC Fight Pass. Absolutely amazing. I had to watch it again as I was falling asleep sitting up. lol. Great Fight Night.
Our man The IceMan
I had a pop-up just now saying:
'Fit Girls want you, from your area!'
I thought "Wow!" but then, on second thoughts...
Fuck off, I live in Scotland
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