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A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!
Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."
Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."
Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."
An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.
Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."
A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."
Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.
"I hear McDougal left over a hundred thousand pounds when he died," remarked McNab. "McDougal didn't leave that money," said McTavish, "he was taken from it."
"Why, McTavish," said the psychiatrist, "you seem to have lost your stutter." "Yes," said McTavish, "I've been telephoning America a lot recently."
McNab has decided to have one of those cut-price, self-service funerals where they loosen the earth and you sink in by yourself.
McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once."
Teacher to a Scottish schoolboy, "If you had a pound in your right-hand trouser pocket, and three pounds in your left-hand trouser pocket, what would you have?" "Somebody else's trousers miss."
McDougal was on his way by train from Aberdeen to Glasgow to undergo a serious heart operation. He bought a single ticket.
"Grandpa, have you got any teeth?" the Scots boy enquired of his grandfather. "No," the grandfather replied. "Well in that case, hold my bag of sweets while I go out and play."
McDougal donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
A meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus fares had been reduced. Citizens were outraged because previously they had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only saving fifteen pence.
A Scottish soccer fan told his friend, "My dog watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and down and claps its paws. When we lose it somersaults." "How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The soccer fan replied, "It depends how often I kick it."
A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!
McTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He won one thousand pounds. "How do you feel about your big win?" McNab asked him. "Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a thing."
Recent historical research has revealed why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1317 Sandy McNab won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.
The Scots have found an infallible cure for sea sickness: Lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in your mouth.
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
There was a Scottish baker who tried to economise by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts. He discovered, though, that the bigger the hole, the more dough it took to go round it.
And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29 so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.
A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
The Scottish minister was preaching on the parable of the Good Samaritan. He felt he had better explain to his congregation why the priest had passed the victim by. "And why do you think the priest passed him by?" he asked the congregation rhetorically. "Because he saw that the man had already been robbed," came a voice from the back row.
In Scotland they had to take pay-as-you-leave buses off the streets -they found two men had starved to death in one of them.
Two robbers broke into a boarding house in Glasgow in search of money. A fierce struggle ensued. "We didn't do too badly," said one of them afterwards. "We came out with twenty pounds." "But we had fifty when we went in," complained the other.
Report from a Glasgow newspaper: "Two taxis collided in Maryhill last night. Three people were seriously injured. The other seventeen escaped with minor injuries."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny....
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer,
so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits
and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely. After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees.
I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, Tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said,
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone
sha**ed you twice....
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
***Old People Rock!***
a guy walks into the doctors with nuthing but clingfilm wraped arounbd his waist and says to the doctor, doctor doctor i think i am mad the dcctor then replys looking him up and down i believe so i can clearly c ur nuts
i was standing in a bar down my high street yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in. He stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. i said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?".
He says "No, why did you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?".
"No!" i said, "It's because your drinkin' my pint ya little prick."
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