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Take a peek at my favorites list. Maybe we could be movie BFF's? ;D
Giving the stink eye, being a crazy cat lady.... and reading. If you want to talk books I'm all eyes!
On Mother's Day, a police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Tech humor at its best! (funny oldie)
A woman wrote to tech support,
and their reply is a stroke of genius.
This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions: How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?
She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.
Bright Side welcomes you to read these emails. This correspondence changed her life, and can possibly change yours.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
The Graduate Student
A nicely dressed young man goes into a classy lounge, takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later a very nicely put-together young lady comes in, takes a seat two stools down and smiles at the young man. The young man asks politely if he could buy her a drink.
The young lady responds in a very loud voice: "MOTEL?"
The lounge goes silent and the young man, totally embarassed, just looks straight ahead.
A few minutes later the young man glances at the girl and she smiles again.
The young man says to her, "Excuse me miss, you must have misunderstood me, I only asked if I could buy you a drink."
The gal says in an even louder voice: "MOTEL??"
The lounge goes absolutely silent and the young man sees everyone staring at him. All he wants to do is find a hole, crawl in it and die.
About 5 minutes later the gal reaches over and touches his arm and says, "You seem like a very nice young man. I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you, let me explain. I'm doing graduate work in Psychology and I'm researching the effects of stimulus and response. I hope you understand."
The young man smiles and says "Actually, I do understand." And in a very loud voice says: "FIFTY DOLLARS???"
Have a great day.....Stay Safe.
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible. "
The Best Fruitcake Ever
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 or 2 quarts whiskey or vodka
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good isn't it? Now go ahead.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again as it must be just right.
To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add1 teaspoon of thrugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure that the whiskey is of the finest quality. Cry another tup. Open second quart if necessary.
Add 2 arge legs, 2 cups fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whiskey.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find, wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.
Check the whiskey again and bo to ged.
The Blonde Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a very elegant navy blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite navy blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde replies, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an elegant black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
....so I just switched the heads.'
Hi friend! :]
If Only Women Trusted Their Husbands
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...for example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Dropping by to say hi! :]
IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's supposedly true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:
"Look Paddy...there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
A husband suspects that his wife is fooling around on him, so he hires a private investigator to trail her.
Two weeks later the private investigator comes into the husband's office, takes out a flash drive, and plugs it into the husband's computer.
The PI presses a button, and there's the husband's wife romping in the sand and surf with a tall, dark handsome man.
The PI presses another button and there is the husband's wife with the same guy at a nightclub, drinking and dancing and carrying on.
The PI pushes the button again and there again is the wife with her lover, skinny dipping and carrying on.
The husband says, "I can't believe what I'm seeing."
The PI responds, "Sir, I assure you I took the videos myself, they were not doctored."
The husband says again, "I just can't believe what I'm seeing."
The PI says, "Sir, it's right in front of you, what's not to believe?"
The husband says, "I can't believe my wife could be so much fun."
Objet : LE PAPE ET LES BELLE-MÈRES/THE POPE ON MOTHERS-IN-LAW
FROM A FRIEND IN OTTAWA.
This is too funny! Yet, perhaps one of the reasons why Pope Francis is the "Pope of the People" instead of the curia! How 'human' he is! Enjoy!
Hard to believe this funny video came from the Pope
Yes, that was " The Pope ......."
Why Teachers Continue to Drink Heavily
The following questions were in last year's GED examination (These are genuine answers):
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (I love this one!)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WT?)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday, and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Macy's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up, and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.
Unaware of this, the guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Classic Oldie---Lie Detector
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot For Sale.....
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