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Take a peek at my favorites list. Maybe we could be movie BFF's? ;D
Giving the stink eye, being a crazy cat lady.... and reading. If you want to talk books I'm all eyes!
Objet : LE PAPE ET LES BELLE-MÈRES/THE POPE ON MOTHERS-IN-LAW
FROM A FRIEND IN OTTAWA.
This is too funny! Yet, perhaps one of the reasons why Pope Francis is the "Pope of the People" instead of the curia! How 'human' he is! Enjoy!
Hard to believe this funny video came from the Pope
Yes, that was " The Pope ......."
Why Teachers Continue to Drink Heavily
The following questions were in last year's GED examination (These are genuine answers):
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (I love this one!)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WT?)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday, and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Macy's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up, and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.
Unaware of this, the guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Classic Oldie---Lie Detector
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot For Sale.....
He said, She said
He said to her, "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
She said to him, "You wear pants don't you?"
He said to her, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said to him, "That's a good idea - you stand by the stove and sink while I sit on the sofa and fart."
He said to her, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
"She said to him, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
He said to her, "Why don't women blink during foreplay?"
She said to him, "They don't have time."
He said to her, "How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?"
She said to him, "I don't know; it has never happened."
He said to her, "Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
She said to him, "They already have boyfriends."
He said to her, "What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?"
She said to him, "A widow."
He said to her, "Why are married women heavier than single women?"
She said to him, "Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."
WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool."
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The
next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like
your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
SO WHAT"S THE PROBLEM?
A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk??"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then She made the earth round...and She laughed and laughed and laughed!
Fabulous 360-degree photography!
Wow!! How's this for a fun camping idea???
Confucius said all that...?
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
But don't let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
For downstairs merchandise.
It is better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Man with a broken condom
Is called a Daddy
A drunken man's words
Are a sober man's thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
And you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland ....
A one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe some of these! Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !
1. Strike while the / bug is close.
2. It's always darkest before / Daylight Saving Time.
3. Never underestimate the power of / termites.
4. You can lead a horse to water but / how?
5. Don't bite the hand that / looks dirty.
6. No news is / impossible.
7. A miss is as good as a / Mr.
8. You can't teach an old dog new / math.
9. If you lie down with dogs, you'll / stink in the morning.
10. Love all, trust / me.
11. The pen is mightier than the / pigs.
12. An idle mind is / the best way to relax.
13. Where there's smoke there's / pollution.
14. Happy the bride who / gets all the presents.
15. A penny saved is / not much.
16. Two's company, three's / the Musketeers.
17. Don't put off till tomorrow what / you put on to go to bed.
18. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and / you have to blow your nose.
19. There are none so blind as / Stevie Wonder.
20. Children should be seen and not / spanked or grounded.
21. If at first you don't succeed / get new batteries.
22. You get out of something only what you / see in the picture on the box.
23. When the blind lead the blind / get out of the way.
24. A bird in the hand / is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than / pregnant.
Why Wives Shouldn't Go Hunting....
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his
wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
He walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Stop or slow down?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
15 Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you interesting when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
11. When you drop a silent one, they enjoy the aroma and don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick them.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour,
then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
I know you can appreciate this. At one time or another, my mother made some of those exact statements. Brings back memories:)
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you!'
The wife's back on the warpath again.
Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest
we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she
likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to
commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I
started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I
panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I
replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like
she's moving during sex.
60 Things NOT To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so...unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
Good street-view pictures of places you've seen, or places you'd like to see.
Enter an address, then click Route button, and "drive" using your mouse on the streets. Play around with the mouse to see what you can do (turn around, look up and down, etc.)
Live street view and virtual driving is available at
Slice-of-life photos from the 9 Eyes Project.
Canadian artist Jon Rafman collects the bizarre and beautiful sights captured by the nine lenses on Google Street View camera cars as they photograph scenes around the world. The project has been published as a book featuring hundreds of the images he has found through Street View blogs and his own searches.
Some images are quite thought-provoking, and almost surreal.
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